Beautifully Broken

July 6, 2016
My-heart-His-Words-with-Satin-Pelfrey_flowers

I have no shortage of support, as I walk this journey of grief, yet my heart still feels lonely, as an emptiness abides deep within.

It’s been three months since my Daddy entered heaven’s gates, and not a single day has passed without me missing him something fierce.

The flowers stopped arriving at the house , the cards quit coming in the mail. People check in less frequently by phone, email and text.  Because after all, life does go on.  For me however, life will never be the same. Don’t get me wrong, I’m intentionally living my life just as passionately and purposefully as my Daddy wanted me to do, I’m just not the same person I was before he left.

The pain I feel inside my heart is so indescribably deeper than I ever imagined. The loneliness I feel in the middle of a crowded party, is astonishing to me. The waves of emptiness and sadness are all so foreign to the girl who’s always been viewed as “having it all together”, being the “hostess with the mostest” the “social butterfly”, or the goal setter and achiever. These days, I find more contentment by being alone, or in a small group and my goals are more short term and simplistic: Getting out of bed. Focusing while working. Getting through my list of “to do’s” and quitting at 5pm. Supporting my family and friends. Allowing myself to grieve.

I’m broken to the core and there’s nothing anyone but Jesus can do to heal that brokenness. However, one thing I’m realizing in all of this, is something so basic, yet something I’ve never learned to embrace.

I’ve spent my entire life doing for others: supporting, loving, encouraging and praying for friends and family, during their greatest time of need. One thing I’ve rarely needed though, is that same level of support, because until now, I’ve never experienced the level of grief I’m experiencing right now.

Three months ago I was still the girl trying to keep it all together, trying to be strong and focused on supporting those I love.  However, today, I’m the girl who is a wild mess of emotion, hurting at the core, and just trying to remember to breath in between sobs of pain. I’m the girl who loves so deeply, yet finds it difficult to allow myself to be loved back. I’m the girl who gives without reservation, yet finds it difficult to accept anything from anyone else. I’m the girl who strongly encourages others to share so I can support and love them through their pain, yet doesn’t want to burden others with my own pain, so shells it up inside.

For where two or three gather together because they are mine,
I will be right there among them.

Matthew 18:20

Today, this verse means something new to me, as I realize that Jesus isn’t talking about two whole & unbroken people coming to Him… He means that if just one other person comes alongside me and we agree in prayer together, He meets us in that place of brokenness. This sets me free to be beautifully broken before my family and friends and to allow myself to need them, to reach out to them and to be comforted and loved through this painful time in my journey.

Two can accomplish more than twice as much as one, for the results can be much better.
If one falls, the other pulls him up; but if a man falls when he is alone, he’s in trouble.”
Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

I find much comfort in these two scripture verses, as I am learning the beauty in reaching out to those who love me, and choosing to embrace their love and support. Not only does it help heal my hurting heart, but it also gives them the opportunity to be wanted, needed, appreciated and valued as well as giving them a place to use their gifts to bless someone in need {beautifully broken me}.

My heart is so very grateful for the love and support God has brought into my life “for such a time as this”.  Thank you for your love, support, prayers, encouragement, time, listening ear and generous hearts… You’re a blessing to my aching heart. ♥

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6 Comments

  1. Sharon O on July 6, 2016 at 9:22 PM

    I understand your grief, lost my dad three years ago and my mom two years ago.

    • Satin P on July 7, 2016 at 11:16 AM

      I am so sorry for your loss as well, Sharon. Please find comfort with me in knowing we are not alone! Much Love ♥

  2. Mary Klitzke on July 7, 2016 at 6:57 AM

    So beautifully said. Walking this journey with you knowing Jesus will meet our every need.

    • Satin P on July 7, 2016 at 11:16 AM

      SO grateful we’re waling this together! Love you to the moon, Mom! xoxo

  3. Bonnie Martin on July 7, 2016 at 9:33 AM

    Lots of love, Bonnie and David Martin

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Satin Pelfrey

Satin is a writer, wife and stepmom encouraging others through the hard days, bringing the Scriptures alive through life-application and drawing them closer to Jesus.

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