My Mom and Best Friend

{Disclaimer: The post below, is a letter from my heart, to my Sweet Mom and Best Friend, who I miss oh so dearly, so please pardon the length.}

Sweet Mother and Best Friend,

Monday, December 16, 2019, I stood beside your bed, begging you to let go and trust Jesus to take you home. I cried, as I told you that I had gone the past two nights without any sleep at all, so was bringing in much-needed professional nursing help to give me the sleep I needed. I poured my heart out to you, saying I needed you to let go. That it was breaking my heart to watch you living trapped within your body; unable to talk or move and barely breathing. The agony I felt within the deepest part of my soul is only matched to the pain I felt when I wrote and read the letter to Daddy, releasing him to go Home to Jesus.

“Please let go, Mom. I’m going to be okay.
God’s got me and He’s got you too.
It’s okay to let go.”

Mom, to tell you, with strength and confidence in my voice, rather than the shaking pain I felt within, took all the strength I could muster. I didn’t want you to worry, I didn’t want you to keep holding on. I needed you to trust me as I chose to trust Jesus to be all I need, to get me through this next season without you.

We had a mutual agreement, back when you could still talk, that when you got to the point where you couldn’t communicate with me anymore, I would know that you love me. So each time I told you, “I love you, Mom”, I would add, “and I know you love me too.” We also agreed that I would continue sharing my life with you, as well as sharing memories we’ve made together, throughout the years… so I did just that. You also agreed, that when you were unable to talk, but when you needed me, you would make the loudest sound you could muster and I would come running to help you. Turns out you kept every last commitment you made to me.

After a several hour nap on Monday, then a solid night of sleep Monday night, I woke up Tuesday morning to your labored breathing and a deep knowing that you were letting go and soon I’d be saying goodbye. I told you good morning, hugged you, caressed your face and stroked your hair as I’d come accustomed to doing, for the past few weeks after you lost your ability to communicate with me. I told you how good I felt to have had a solid night of sleep. Then I told you I didn’t want to be the stinky kid, so was heading to shower and get dressed for the day; kissed you and went on my way.

After getting myself ready for the day, I released the nurse from her shift, and came in to talk to you and tell you I love you. I told you, I didn’t want any visitors to come that day, so let you know I was going to step out into the living room to contact the social worker and chaplain and ask them to come the next day. I sat down in the living room, wrote and sent the text, then you made the loudest coughing-gurgle sound I’d heard you make. I jumped up and ran to your side. Your breathing was so labored, and you were taking the deepest breath in, I’d ever seen you take. I called out for Tyler, as I reached to stroke your hair, and leaned in to say, I love you, Mom. You’re okay. Everything’s okay. God’s got you and I’m going to be okay. I love you, bestie.”

At 9:26am, the morning of December 17, 2019 I had the honor of ushering you into the presence of our Heavenly Father, as you took that last breath here on earth.

I will never forget the moment when I felt you let go and leave me in the hands of our ever faithful Father, with my husband beside me, to hold me close and comfort me. It was sure peace that truly passes all our greatest understanding.

I’ve been living the past twenty-eight days in a blur. I’ve been trying to do what you wanted me to do, which is to LIVE. I’ve been trying to take one moment at a time; handle the business you entrusted me to handle. To rest, to recuperate, see my counselor, make new memories with my husband, and of course to cry. Oh to cry… it was not easy for me to cry at first; I was in such a state of shock and utter relief, that you were no longer suffering, that I couldn’t find the tears. But now? Now, the tears flow steadily and more often. My heart misses you more and more Every.Single.Day.

Mom, we shared everything together; a good sale or cute find, a triumph or victory, as well as a bad day or moment of defeat and disappointment. You were my person. You will always be my person.

Thank you for trusting me to escort you into the presence of Jesus. I can’t thank you enough for gifting me with that final earthly goodbye. You could have let go, while alone, like Daddy did, but instead, you called out for me and let me hold your hand and caress your face and release you into the arms of Jesus. What a beautiful moment, I get to hold on to, for the rest of my life. I can never thank you enough for sharing this time with me.

You knew then, losing you would be the hardest thing I’ve faced in my life thus far, but when you told me, “I just know you’re going to be okay, baby” I chose to believe you. I chose to believe you, because we serve the same merciful Father, and while my heart aches badly, I was given the greatest gift ever, in YOU. I have such peace, knowing that you are truly happy again, truly living again; whole and healthy, dancing with Daddy, before our Heavenly Father as He answers all your questions and as the jewels in your crown are sparkling like the love in your eyes always did. God only knows how much I miss you, but Jesus has me, and I’m getting through, one moment at a time.

I don’t know what the future holds for me, but I’m trusting the Lord will lead and guide me during this season. And, Mom? Your story? Our journey together through your cancer journey, has now become the story on my heart to write my first book about, so thank you for that.  One of the last things you spoke to me was to say, “Keep Writing”, so this is my commitment to continue doing just that.

I love you, sweet Mother and Best Friend~To the moon, beyond and back, no matter what, forever and always.

Your Daughter and Best Friend,
Satin Sharee Pelfrey”

Before closing, I would like to share something one of my dearest and long-time friends inscribed within her sympathy card to me:

“She cared for you,
and introduced you to Jesus.
You grew in His love and likeness.
Now you’ve cared for her,
and ushered her graciously,
into the presence of Jesus Himself.
You loved her beautifully.
Well done, precious child of God.”
~Jenni M.~

I would like to say thank you to the people who God used to carry me through this season, and who, admittedly, I very much still need; as this season just got harder for me!

First and foremost, to my husband, Tyler, the one who has been my rock from the moment you shared the news of my Mom’s cancer with me, until we ushered her into the presence of Jesus, together.  I couldn’t have asked for a better husband. God’s done so much in your life to prepare you for these moments, and I’m so incredibly proud of the man you are today! Thank you for sharing the deepest part of your heart with me, on this journey.

Finally, a huge thank you to all my friends and family who have remained by my side, praying, loving on, supporting, calling, texting, emailing and listening to my aching heart.  Each and every one of you played a valuable part in this season of my life. Whether we communicated daily, weekly, monthly or rarely, God placed you in my life, for such a time as this, and I am forever grateful for YOU. Thank you for sharing this journey with me. XOXO