I’ve sat down to write, what feels like a million different times, with words spinning in my head, only to find them stuck there and my fingers unable to release all that is pint up inside.

Life has been hard. Really, really hard. The kind of hard that people stop showing up for and just walk away from. The kind of hard that ends lives, and destroys marriages. The kind of hard that makes people question God; some walk away and some stay. Truly, the hardest I’ve ever experienced and more than I’d wish on my absolute worst enemy.

But there’s this song by Chris Tomlin titled,  Good Good Father and one of my dearest girl friends sent it to me when I was walking through the passing of my father in 2016. The words “Good Good Father” have morphed into “Good, Good God” for me personally, as I find myself saying them over and over again in recent days.

Today, my heart is utterly broken. It’s been three years since God took my Daddy home to Heaven, after his battle with Esophageal Cancer and here we are, walking a similar path with my Mom, who was diagnosed with Stage IV Liver Cancer last month and just told yesterday: she has a matter of months left. Not years, months! 

How do I keep from blaming God? How do I continue to walk with a God who allows such pain and heartache?

First of all, I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that I’m angry about my Mom having cancer and I’m angry that I’m losing her. I’m angry that she has to die this way and I’m angry that I’m losing my best friend in the whole world. I am human, so yes, I’m angry. However, I’m not angry at God. Why? Because amidst all of this, I still see His goodness and in the deepest part of my heart-the part that is closest to His heart-I know that He is still a Good, Good, God!

I don’t understand why my Mom has cancer, but I know that God has always, always, always brought good from the pain in my life! He is the only one who is able to take ashes and make something beautiful! Look at humanity as a whole! We were made from dust and God breathed His life into us!  But we were first, mere dust!

In Lysa TerKeurst’s book, It’s Not Supposed To Be This Way, she talks about Dust and how “Dust doesn’t have to signify the end. Dust is often what must be present for the new to begin.” This speaks hope into my current journey, because God always takes dust and makes something beautiful. He’s faithful like that! Lysa says, “If I want His promises, I must trust His processes.” I may not understand the processes God is taking me and my family through, but He promised us He will never leave or forsake us. (Deuteronomy 31:6)

My belief is this: cancer may be the avenue God chooses to “take” my Mom, but ultimately He is the Author and Giver of Life, so He alone numbers her days and she won’t die a day too soon, regardless of the diagnosis. Cancer didn’t take my Dad, and Cancer isn’t taking my Mom: God will call her Home when He deems the time to be right.

So right now, in that funky “in between” time, I’m clinging to my Good, Good God and I’m inviting Him into this funk with me and asking that He carry me and my family through this painful journey. Again, Lysa says it so beautifully when she says, “God doesn’t want to be explained away, He wants to be invited in.” I simply cannot explain cancer, and all the horrible effects it has on the individuals it consumes, or the families it impacts, but I have chosen to invite my Good, Good God to walk through this Hard, Hard time with me and to be what He is best: My Savior.

Truly Blessed and Truly Grateful,