Yesterday, April, 11, 2016, my Daddy entered Heavens gates! While my heart misses him already and aches for him to hold me in his arms and reassure me everything is going to be okay, God has blessed me with an incredible husband who has stepped into that role beautifully and graciously. God knew what He was doing when he brought Tyler into my life and for that I am truly grateful.

Below is a letter I wrote and then read to my Daddy back in January, because I had no idea when my goodbye would be the last, and wanted to make sure he knew exactly how I felt about him… It was a beautiful moment as I read it; we cried together, he kissed me, hugged me and reassured me of his love and pride for me.

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January 16, 2016

Daddy,

Not very many people ever get a chance to say everything they want to say to the ones they love the most. Consumed by bitterness or anger they miss the opportunity to mend the broken, before it’s too late. I have none of those things in my heart towards you, so I get to sit here and enjoy the peace that passes all understanding, and savor each moment with you. I am truly blessed.

On that note, instead of trying to stumble through the random words that are on my heart, I wanted to organize them and put them to paper. I have a lot to say, so please bear with me as I process my heart and bear my soul to you in an effort to ensure that I don’t miss the opportunity to tell you exactly what is on my heart.

Holy tears!!! There will always be tears from this daughter of yours! Ha Ha!  My sensitive heart became apparent to you at the age of 2, when I cried while singing “Jesus Loves Me”!  That tenderness remains, even now, at the age of 37. So please, when you see me cry, don’t feel bad, don’t feel guilty and don’t feel as if it’s your fault! This daughter cries because her heart is so full of LOVE that sometimes it overflows into tears.

Daddy, I need you to hear my heart and to listen to my words. I need for you to let go of the past and embrace today. Stop holding on to the regret of past mistakes and embrace Jesus’ forgiveness, redemption and healing in our relationship. What we have today wouldn’t be what it is, had we never experienced the heart break and pain from our past. How could we appreciate the beauty of our relationship today, if we had never experienced the pain? Please, let go and be at peace; your past is under the blood of Jesus and I have left it there as well.

I know you don’t want to leave us. I know how much you agonize over saying goodbye that final time. I know how it pains you to see us cry, but please, PLEASE hear me when I say, our tears here will be replaced by tears of joy one day, when we all are reunited in the presence of Jesus; free of pain, free of suffering and free of sin.

This life we live on earth, is only a chapter;
for our real life begins when our life here on earth ends.

I know you have wrestled with knowing about your cancer and at times wished you didn’t know. But as for me, I am truly grateful. I am grateful because I have watched how God has used it in our family to bring healing.  To teach us quick forgiveness, over anger and bitterness, and unity in difficult times. Most of all, I see the growth in each of us spiritually as we learn to embrace the frailty of life and just how short it really is in the vastness of eternity! Learning to see things through the eyes of Jesus, rather than our own. Learning to cling to Him for comfort and peace. Trusting him to provide for all our needs and watching Him keep every promise He makes.

Walking beside you and Mom through all of this has been a gift to me that I’ll never regret nor forget. So, thank you for allowing me to share this time with you and for not selfishly walking it alone.

Daddy, you are one of the absolute strongest men I know. You’re the first man to love me, hold me, hug me, kiss me, hold my hand, comfort me, teach me about Jesus and instruct me in His ways. You’re the first man to care enough to speak the truth, even when it hurt, to protect me when it felt like you were hurting me, and to push me when I felt like giving up. You raised me to be an independent thinker, to question everything, to embrace heartache with my eyes on Jesus and to stay open to His leading. You taught me forgiveness and love, strength and humility, vision and trust in Jesus. You taught me all of this, not so much as with your words, but in your actions. When you fell, you got on your knees and allowed Jesus to pick you back up. When you didn’t know the answer, you asked and He gave you truth.

Don’t you get it? I have no regret! I only have pride in you for allowing Jesus to work in your life the way He has and to mold you into the amazing man you are today.

Now for the hard part…

I don’t want to say goodbye… ever. The thought of losing you and Mom has always terrified me. But its reality and being a realist I’ve known the day would come… I just don’t think I’ll ever be ready for it. Ever.

However, I want you to know that while I’ll never be ready to lose you here on earth, there is nothing that motivates me more to be the woman God wants me to be, than knowing that one day, I’ll run through Heaven’s gates and into the arms of all my parents: Jesus, you and Mom.

So while I will lose you here on earth, I truly look forward to spending eternity with you at Home. So please leave the light on & make sure my cloud car is faster than yours!! {ha ha}

I promise you, that I will take care of Mom just as if it were you caring for her yourself. As God provides, I will make sure she has everything she needs and more. I will love her, protect her, fight for her, pray for her, support her and care for her just as you have so faithfully done.

Daddy, we will be not only okay, but we will be good, because God is good! Our hearts will forever have an emptiness for you, yet your legacy will live on in us. We will mourn for a season, then rejoice again at all God does through your legacy as we continue to carry out His will in our lives.

So please don’t be afraid to leave us. As difficult as it is for us to let you go, we are confident that you are in the best of Hands and we too will be held in those same Hands. So in essence, you will still always be with us.

Daddy, when Jesus calls you home, run along, I’ll be home soon.

I love you with all my heart!

Always and proudly your daughter,

Satin Sharee Klitzke Pelfrey